Moment-to-Moment Optimism

By Dr. Russ

I forego a traditional “optimism-week-in-review” with on op-ed piece driven by the need to try to balance the thought provoking contrast of the high’s of Olympic competition and the lows over the death of a young adult which were so poignantly juxtaposed this past week. 

In a previous post, I raised the question: Why doesn’t the Dr. Russ Buss have any rear view mirrors?  The answer: “Because optimists look forward not back.”  

However, there are times when we are forced to look back: 1) when some activity or event has concluded and memories are all we have,  and 2) when someone has “passed-on” leaving only the spirit to carry forward and remembrances to embrace.

The Olympics ended a week ago Sunday among the Closing Ceremony celebrations for great effort, achievement, and international collaboration; grief over the tragic loss of a Georgian Luger; and the extinction of the 2010 Winter Olympic flame.  With extinction came simultaneous rebirth as the torch was lit that will carry the Olympic Spirit forever forward and to its next stop Sochi, Russia.

Everyone who participated, helped out, attended or watched the 2010 Winter Olympics on television has the opportunity to look back and hold on to some positive memory that can bring an uplifting feeling in any moment as the brain accesses that imagery making it conscious.  Whether it is the image of Kim Yu-Na breaking all figure skating records, Bode Miller’s quest for perfection, Apolo Ohno’s eight medals, Shaun White's half-pipe “flying through the air with the greatest of ease,” or brooms’ whisking the ice to get greater distance for a polished granite stone in Curling, each of us can store our own cherished moment for positive inspiration in the brain’s hippocampus.

While such memories can help manage our moment-to-moment moods, we are left with the lingering doubt about how really important such events are when we are confronted with the tragic loss of a young adult such as Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili from the country of Georgia or our own “Struggling Optimist’s” young cousin.

There is no doubt that Moment-to-Moment’s “Struggling Optimist” has been faced with one of the most difficult tests to “optimistic stamina” that one can imagine – the death of a young family member.  Bill lost a young cousin, only 21 years old.  Bill’s aunt and uncle were his parents, and for parents nothing can be more dreaded than the loss of a child.

How do we cope with such a loss?  Lisa Wiley Parker’s comment places some perspective on the coping process by reminding us that:

• Secondly, as gut wrenching as your cousin's loss is, it will likely allow you to keep some elements of your job search in their proper perspective. I lost my step-father suddenly during a stressful time in my life.
  
• For a time after his death I was able to shrug off things that I normally would have made a big deal out of.
• There is a brief moment of clarity where we are able to recognize what really does/doesn't matter in life.
• Use this time to chase some things you may have feared in the past because the rejection, if it comes, won't hit you the way it may have before. You've been tragically reminded of what counts in this world...what's truly worth being upset about.

If Lisa is right such losses have the chance to actually increase our “optimistic stamina” as we place our everyday “stress ball events” into proper perspective – these are not life and death situations. 

We can remain calm, focus on “doing the next right thing” and model ourselves after the 911 operator who while facing the potential death of his newborn son, calmly coached his wife through life-saving actions that caused the infant to cough-up the plastic object that was choking him to death.


By Dr. Russ,

In lieu of a formal Dr. Russ Buss Week in Review, I have written a SYMBOLIC one.  This week has been primarily devoted to personal stories of optimism embodied in the lives of various 2010 Olympic Athletes.  These stories can be used to provide role models of individuals who like JoannieRochette “never give up” keep striving in the face of incredible and overwhelming obstacles.

Losing her mother, unexpectedly, to a heart attack two days before the beginning of women’s figure skating competition was not the obstacle Joannie Rochette had in mind.  I suspect she had been thinking about issues of stamina, endurance, how many triple jumps to try.  She had not contemplated performing for a loved one who had just entered the hereafter.

This story has a very personal meaning to me because in July of 1962, I lost my mother to ovarian cancer.  I was 16.  Before here cancer recurred she had made the 10 year survivor mark; thought she might be “home free.”  She wasn’t so lucky.  While her death was not sudden like that of Joannie’s mother, one never anticipates the exact time and moment of death.

• It was about six thirty in the evening when I told my Dad I would be visiting the hospital to see mom that night saying that even though it wasn’t necessary to visit, I knew she didn’t have much time left.  By the time I arrived at the hospital some 30 minutes later, she had “passed.”  My Dad came running down the hall hugged me, began crying, and repeating over and over, “she’s gone, she’s gone.”  At that point, I knew I had to be strong, like a rock, for my Dad.

Joannie had to be strong for herself, her mother’s memory, and her family.  She skated the “best performance” of her life in the women’s figure skating long program winning a Bronze Medal for herself and Canada.

Suddenly, upon our parent’s death, we are left trying to infer what the parent might have said to us were the parent here on earth.  We begin striving to please someone who will never be able to tell us directly of their pride for us.  We have to make it up with such statements as, “I know she is up there smiling.”  We will never again hear the live voice say, “great job, dear;” never again have her show up and watch practice while doling out a little advice.

Joannie Rochette is another OLYMPIC HERO OF OPTIMISM because:

•    She chose to compete rather than withdraw from the games and mourn in private.
•    In her skating performance she “hit element after element perfectly . . . effortlessly.”
•    At the end of her performance she was met with a standing ovation; the Canadian crowd embodying the pride they knew her mother would have had.
•    “She did what her mother wanted her to do, her best.”
•    She stayed focused on enjoying the moment despite “missing her mom.”
•    Since last Sunday when her mother died of a heart attack, she has navigated a maze of mixed emotions.
•    Her rationale for competing: "This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I want to enjoy it, though it's not the way I dreamt about it. But my mother would want me to," she said.
•    Her mother was an inspirational source of optimism and she kept her last voice message replaying it for inspiration throughout the week after practices and before she competed.  “. . . it was soothing to hear her voice” which said, “I know you can do it and you will be on the podium.”
•    Her mother exemplified optimistic parenting by being involved in helping Rochette achieve her goals with emotional support, advice and critical feedback as needed
•    Rochette will be marching in tonight’s closing ceremonies as the Canadian Flag bearer; an honor she was as proud to accept as the Canadian’s were to award it.  Her “never-give-in” performance symbolizes the best of OLYMPIC OPTIMISM, STAMINA, AND EFFORT – a fitting finale for her beloved Canada that won more Gold Medals than any other country.
•    Upon receiving the Vancouver 2010 Terri Fox Award, she said, “It was really worth it to show the people of the world never give up on your dreams and at least try to make your best. It is enough. You will be rewarded personally. Just follow your dreams, just follow them.”

By Dr. Russ

Check out this Baker's Dozen Tips of "Learned Optimism" that form this Dr. Russ Buss "Week in Review."

1.    Lesson of Learned Optimism:  A “skilled sports optimist” is aware of “base rate” probabilities for wining and losing (e.g. less than 10% of Olympic athletes will win a medal.)  They know they are not in control of the outcome, but also know they are in control of putting forth their best effort and performance.

2.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from Winter Olympian Bode Miller):  I can only control how hard I work to perfect my skiing skill. Whether or not I win depends on some factors outside my control (e.g., skill, motivation and perfection of other competitors; perspective and biases of judges).

3.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from Winter Olympian Bode Miller): Optimism is maintained by a focus on the intrinsic value of the activity, the “pure” enjoyment of the act; such a focus breeds self-worth.

4.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from Winter Olympian Bode Miller):  Optimism is best maintained by the satisfaction gained from taking on challenges and giving forth the best effort.

5.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from 2010 Winter Olympics): Optimism is maintained by a task focus, “doing the next right thing” in a tactical sense, and by the sheer thrill of engaging in the act itself – in his case – “flying down the mountain on the edge of 'being-in-control' and spinning wildly 'out-of-control.'

6.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from 2010 Winter Olympic short track speed skater Apolo Ohno):  Ohno stayed focused on what he could control; remained a in position to take advantage of an opportunity the moment it came up.

7.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from 2010 Winter Olympic short track speed skater J. R. Celski):   Optimistic stamina is characterized by relative rapid recovery from the pessimistic moment of “It’s over.”  And, he found “optimistic inspiration” from Eric Heiden who wouldn’t let him accept “it's over,” and quickly got back on an intensive Olympic rehab schedule.

8.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from the 2010 Winter Olympics). Relish the opportunity and challenge to overcome the “agony of defeat,” but do not dwell on the “thrill of victory” until it is “in hand.”

9.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from2006 and 2010 snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis): Linsdsey began to think about the “thrill of victory” before it was in hand, just before making the celebratory hot dog move in 2006.

10.    Lesson of Learned Optimism (from2006 and 2010 snowboarder LindseyJacobellis): Lindsey's PASSIONATE OPTIMISM for her sport is shown to be INTACT AND IN PERSPECTIVE when she says: "mainstream sports fans and commentators don't understand action sports and the philosophy that fun with your friends is more important than fame and fortune."

11.    Lesson of Learned Optimism: Let’s ask for a moment - Suppose the Pilgrims and other immigrants of the 16 and 1700’s along with the Eastern European masses that came through Ellis Island at the end of the 19th century had really pondered the risks of the ocean crossing, disease, no job, starting over from “scratch” and violence of those towards new immigrants – How many would have embarked on the journey, and where would America be today?

12.    Lesson of Learned Optimism: Let’s ask for a moment – Suppose the athletes of the 2010 Winter Games pondered the risks to life and limb of hurling down an ice packed hill on a sled sized for a six year old, blowing out “six knees”(three on each leg), or cracking one’s head on the ice after a “triple sow-cow” – How many athletes would have achieved their incredible level of athletic skill?

13.    Lesson of Learned Optimism: Optimists are driven much more by OVERCOMING “THE AGONY OF DEFEAT” than by a QUEST FOR “THE THRILL OF VICTORY.”  And, in my opinion, it is this desire for a “CHALLENGE” for taking on the “IMPOSSIBLE” that is at the core of American Optimism; for that matter Universal Optimism.
 

By Dr. Russ,

Over the last week and a half, I have used the advent of Valentine’s Day to write about the importance of “optimism” to maintaining a healthy, satisfying, and long term intimate relationship for two individuals, a couple.

I take an unconventional approach to this week’s Dr. Russ Buss week in Review. 

I have authored the “RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA QUIZ” below to not only test your knowledge of “relationship optimism,” but also your ability to implement the “relationship optimism principles” described in these multiple posts.

Take the 10 item quiz, and then score it according to the instructions that follow.

DR. RUSS BUSS RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA QUIZ

Instructions: Circle the number next to the item that is most true for you for each of the ten items below:

1. How easy is it for you to let go of a relationship negative: a rejection, unkind word, perceived slight, irritable mood of the other, being blamed by the other?  In essence you are able to realize it is about a “momentary emotional funk” of the other, not about you. I usually let go of such a relationship negative in:

1) less than a minute, 2) less than 15 minutes, 3) less than an hour, 4) half a day or less, 5) a day or more

2. When the “We Can work this Out Attitude” goes missing from the relationship, I can get it back in:

1) less than an hour, 2) one to three hours, 3) three to eight hours, 4) a day or more, 5) several days

3. I can easily and almost at will put myself into a “Creative Zone” in any given moment in order generate new ideas or possible solutions to relationship problems turning them into opportunities for building a stronger relationship:

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

4. When you hit a relationship roadblock to your joint plans, you and the other are able to adapt and make needed changes in you joint goals and plans:

1) without any hesitation or conflict, 2) with a little hesitation and conflict, 3) with a fair amount of hesitation and conflict, 4) with difficulty and much conflict, 5) with a great deal of difficulty and conflict

5. You access the thought as needed: “no matter what problem is going on in any given moment in our relationship, I know it is how I view the relationship problem situation that counts:”

1)instantly; 2) with some effort and self-talk; 3) with a great deal of effort and self-talk; 4) a second thought much delayed by interference of worry and negative thinking about the health and welfare of the relationship; 5) a rare thought; a relationship problem is a problem, not a perspective

6. When the other unloads on me with anger and negative emotion, “letting it all out,” I am able to remain calm “under fire” realizing that emotional reactivity on my part will only worsen the situation, fuel more conflict and limit problems solving. 

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

7. I can quickly recognize when I am making false assumptions about the other’s ill intent and I use a “perception check” to clarify communication, avoid miscommunication.

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

8. When I recognize my needs are not being met in the relationship I first look inward to see how I could meet them myself or ask the other for help in meeting them rather than blaming the other for not meeting them.

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

8. I can recognize when I am magnifying, “blowing out of proportion,” a negative aspect of our relationship and put the negative detail into a more logical and appropriate perspective.

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

9. Each day, I actively think about and carry out a POSITIVE BEHAVIOR ACT toward the other, (e.g., a little unsolicited favor, thoughtful note, completing a chore for the other, making a point of saying please and thank you, or giving a small gift, etc).

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

10. I actively take time every day to work on improving and making the relationship better and more satisfying to each of us.

1) always, 2) often, 3) sometimes, 4) rarely, 5) never

SCORE:  Total up the numbers you circled for the ten items and write the total here: ____

Use the Scoring Key below to determine YOUR RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISTIC STAMINA AND HOW TO IMPROVE IT.  ANY QUESTIONS: Ask Dr. Russ Today!

Scoring Key:

10 or less ~ Your RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA is in GREAT SHAPE. You are ready to take the next risk to grow your business.  Keep reading the Moment-to-Moment Optimism Blog as your MAINTENANCE PLAN.

11-20 ~ Your RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA is in GOOD SHAPE but could stand some improvement.  Review items that you scored a 2 or higher for areas of improvement. Look through future and past blog entries for ideas to make revisions.  Stay tuned for information about upcoming and exciting Core Optimism Workshops; learn to build a “Relationship Optimism Self-Improvement Plan.”

21-30 ~ Your RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA needs a revised workout plan.  Review the areas that you scored 2, 3 or higher for areas of improvement.  Look through future and past blog entries for ideas to make revisions.  Stay tuned for information about upcoming and exciting Core Optimism Workshops; learn to build a “Relationship Optimism Self-Improvement Plan.”

31-40 ~ Your RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA needs much improvement.  Review the areas that you scored 2, 3 or higher for areas of improvement.  Look through future and past blog entries for ideas to make revisions.  Stay tuned for information about upcoming and exciting Dr. Russ Buss Core Optimism Workshops; learn to build a “Relationship Optimism Self-Improvement Plan.”

41-50 ~ Your RELATIONSHIP OPTIMISM STAMINA needs a complete overhaul. Review the areas that you scored 2, 3, 4 or higher for areas of improvement.  Look through future and past blog entries for ideas to make revisions.  Stay tuned for information about upcoming and exciting Core Optimism Workshops; learn to build a “Relationship Optimism Self-Improvement Plan.”







By Dr. Russ,

In this Dr. Russ Buss Week in Review, I share some of my moment-to-moment struggles to maintain my "Optimistic Stamina" frustrated by the gloom and doom of this shortened, nay lengthened, month of February.

The first week of February is over, with 3 more to go.  Despite my own advice to find ways to get through this month with a positive view intact, I am already struggling; fighting off a daily sense of February pessimism – how will I get through this month?

I do have to remind myself that, for me, getting through this first week is usually tougher than I think it should be because it is the anniversary of my father’s death.  After 11 years, the sub-conscious and subjective grief experience still affects my moment-to-moment emotional state.

I said FOCUS on fun, festivals, and football.  Today is the Super Bowl. Am I to believe that memories of the game and the array of “Super Bowl” ads are really going to sustain me until Valentines Day?  I’m not going to be doing anything special on Valentine’s anyway. Mardi Gras might be next, but I am not going to be in New Orleans.  FOCUS isn’t working for me, right now.

Inspirational quotes are wonderful, and I hope you are feeling more inspired by these than I am right at the moment.  “Failure” is not on my mind, but the daily struggle to keep making progress seems like I am walking through a mud bog.

Humph! Mud bog.  The family was sailing the backwaters of the Jersey Shore town, Stone Harbor, there were little inlets, lots of shallow water, and no wind.  We ran aground.

• “Rusty” (my childhood nickname to differentiate me from my Dad for whom I was named) "why don’t you get out and tow the boat?" I stepped into “high ankle” high mud, threw a rope over my shoulder, and began pulling the boat though the shallows; took about an hour before we got back to sailable water.  Not much fun, but we had some laughs and did get home that night.  Is the frustration of maintaining February “optimism” really more challenging than that the “mud bog?”

A high point of the week was sharing my TIP of the WEEK; my struggles with “failure” and attempts to deal with it during the college years.  “Failure;” now there is another word that ought to be eliminated from the dictionary of “optimism.”  I had fun creating the “Wizard of Pessimism” character.  He/she will be back.

If I knew that a couple out there rally read, studied, practiced and used one or more of the “Seven Positive Communication Skills of Highly Effective Couples,” I would have a very “high” moment of “optimism” erasing much of the February pessimism.

I suppose I could keep watching the Down’s Syndrome Grocery Store bagger video over and over, feel teary eyed, and then think that the mission to spread optimism is “worthwhile;” a nice, but temporary feeling. 

I’m beginning to feel a little like our “Struggling Optimist” who took the week off; maybe subconsciously I am trying to reflect the message that maintaining optimism requires “optimistic stamina;” constant work and practice to keep-up and develop the “skill.”