Moment-to-Moment Optimism

By Dr. Russ,

In this Dr. Russ Buss Week in Review, I share some of my moment-to-moment struggles to maintain my "Optimistic Stamina" frustrated by the gloom and doom of this shortened, nay lengthened, month of February.

The first week of February is over, with 3 more to go.  Despite my own advice to find ways to get through this month with a positive view intact, I am already struggling; fighting off a daily sense of February pessimism – how will I get through this month?

I do have to remind myself that, for me, getting through this first week is usually tougher than I think it should be because it is the anniversary of my father’s death.  After 11 years, the sub-conscious and subjective grief experience still affects my moment-to-moment emotional state.

I said FOCUS on fun, festivals, and football.  Today is the Super Bowl. Am I to believe that memories of the game and the array of “Super Bowl” ads are really going to sustain me until Valentines Day?  I’m not going to be doing anything special on Valentine’s anyway. Mardi Gras might be next, but I am not going to be in New Orleans.  FOCUS isn’t working for me, right now.

Inspirational quotes are wonderful, and I hope you are feeling more inspired by these than I am right at the moment.  “Failure” is not on my mind, but the daily struggle to keep making progress seems like I am walking through a mud bog.

Humph! Mud bog.  The family was sailing the backwaters of the Jersey Shore town, Stone Harbor, there were little inlets, lots of shallow water, and no wind.  We ran aground.

• “Rusty” (my childhood nickname to differentiate me from my Dad for whom I was named) "why don’t you get out and tow the boat?" I stepped into “high ankle” high mud, threw a rope over my shoulder, and began pulling the boat though the shallows; took about an hour before we got back to sailable water.  Not much fun, but we had some laughs and did get home that night.  Is the frustration of maintaining February “optimism” really more challenging than that the “mud bog?”

A high point of the week was sharing my TIP of the WEEK; my struggles with “failure” and attempts to deal with it during the college years.  “Failure;” now there is another word that ought to be eliminated from the dictionary of “optimism.”  I had fun creating the “Wizard of Pessimism” character.  He/she will be back.

If I knew that a couple out there rally read, studied, practiced and used one or more of the “Seven Positive Communication Skills of Highly Effective Couples,” I would have a very “high” moment of “optimism” erasing much of the February pessimism.

I suppose I could keep watching the Down’s Syndrome Grocery Store bagger video over and over, feel teary eyed, and then think that the mission to spread optimism is “worthwhile;” a nice, but temporary feeling. 

I’m beginning to feel a little like our “Struggling Optimist” who took the week off; maybe subconsciously I am trying to reflect the message that maintaining optimism requires “optimistic stamina;” constant work and practice to keep-up and develop the “skill.”




By Dr. Russ

Monday is Dr. Russ Busster Day, the day I offer tips to “Busst-Up” any pessimism facing you this week.  In today’s Bussters I address the PESSIMISM of the WHOLE MONTH OF FEBRUARY.

The “Irony of February:” The month has the fewest days of any, but psychologically seems like the longest month of the year. February is associated with sadness, gloom, ill health, and in the Northern Hemisphere - cold, clouds, and bad weather.  It is the month the Ground Hog often runs back into his hole signaling six more weeks of winter.  Pessimistic – You bet!! And, the “Sticky Kind” for sure.

How can we fight this February Funk?  Like anyone I am subject to getting caught-up in a doom and gloom scenario; can find myself “stuck” looking for some OPTIMISM.  In these situations, I often turn to a little brainstorming technique to help me shed the FUNK.  I take a word directly or indirectly associated with the issue or problem and free associate words and phrases to each letter of the word.  Let’s try the word February.  Here is what I came with:

Eight Dr. Russ Bussters to Busst-Up the February Funkies

F- FOCUS on the available fun and festivals of February including Valentines Day, President’s Day Holiday, the Winter Olympics, college basketball, ice hockey, and even more high school basketball.

E – Learn and re-learn that to “ENDURE” is a worthwhile experience.

B – BELIEVE that Spring is just around the corner; “BLOW” the town and fly south or anywhere for a brief getaway.

R – REPLAY the movie Ground Hog Day over and over, and reflect on the many opportunities you have for “do-overs.”  In this 1993 movie starring Bill Murray in the role of TV weatherman Phil Conners, Conner’s kept reliving February 2 over and over until he finally got life “right.” After multiple “do-overs” he discovered that life was not about trying to fulfill his own needs, but rather about a  quest for continual self-improvement devoted to attending to the needs of others. 

U – UNDERSTAND that this, month of February, too shall pass.   Post up the phrase: “February too shall pass.”  Remember that the ULTIMATE joy of life is personal growth and self-improvement.

A – ACCEPT the “irony” that February is the “psychologically longest” month of the year.  Now, what choices do you have?  Use this analogy.  What advice do you give a family of about to embark on a long distance driving family vacation?  You tell them to take lots of things along to keep everybody busy such as books, games, videos, and other electronic devices.  So – Now what are your choices?

R – RETREAT to your hole and curl up with some good books; REMEMBER beaches aren’t the only place for "summer reading." While in your hole, REFLECT on some self-improvement goals that would benefit others as well as yourself.

Y – Put a sign next to your alarm clock that says, “YES, I CAN!”

FINAL FEBRUARY TIP:  Make your own “free associations” to each letter of the word, “February.” Now, you are truly IN CHARGE of your own “Moment-to-Moment Skilled Optimism.”

Check out the Dr. Russ, "Learning Optimism Blog," on the website: Life in Lansing.

By Dr. Russ 

"GUM BUSSTERS" FOR CHILDREN

In a prior post, I discussed eight strategies to help adults get through a moment of “sticky” pessimism; one that seems to linger, tough to get rid of like gum on your shoe.

Today I focus on what to do if your child has such a “sticky” moment.  I’ve never met a child who just didn’t love to chew gum.  A favorite of course is bubble gum.  What power and pride I felt when I blew my first bubble, had it pop, and peeled it off my cheeks and nose.  Blowing that first bubble was certainly a "Bubbalicious Moment of Optimism.”  But when the gum gets stuck in the hair or on the shoe, then irritation frustration and even pessimism can set in.  A kid might even give up chewing bubble gum after getting it cut out of his/her hair, leaving an ugly patch or bald spot. 

In today’s blog I coin the phrase: "Gum Bussters for Children."  "Gum Bussters" are like Dr. Russ Bussters, only they are a kid and parent friendly version.  A “Gum Busster” is a parenting strategy or technique that a parent can use to help and/or teach the child to “Busst-Up” any pessimism that is getting her/him down.

As parents we worry when our kids get sad.  We want them to be happy.  Sadness of course is a normal, natural and necessary human emotion.  We expect kids to be sad, but we want them to recognize when they are sad and to manage their sadness so it doesn’t become a childhood case of “Sticky Pessimism.”  What we do not want is for our children to become overwhelmed by negative emotion, feel hopeless and helpless about it.

A Dr. Russ Childhood Story

• When I was five years old my family and I lived in Hartford, Connecticut.  That summer we took a week long vacation to Swampscott, MA on the sea, 90 minutes away.  My best friend Jimmy and his family came to visit for the first weekend.  I don’t remember exactly what we did, but we had a good time.  I am sure we built sand castles, played hide and seek among the rocks, and splashed in the water up to our knees.  He and his parents left on Sunday evening.  My mother was putting me to bed.  She must have noticed a sad expression on my face, as she asked about how I was feeling.  At first, I denied feeling sad, said nothing was wrong.  But she insisted I must be feeling something due to my facial expression.  She read my mind when she asked, "Are you feeling sad because Jimmy left?" I nodded yes, holding back the tears saying I wouldn’t have anyone to play with the rest of the week.  She said, “You know it is OK to cry if you want to.” The tears began streaming down my cheeks, suddenly I was balling; thinking how right she was: I was "sadder than I thought.” She gently stroked my head and forehead until I was “cried out” after several minutes. After I had gotten myself together, she briefly and quickly focused me on the good time I had just had with Jimmy, that I would see him in a week, and reviewed the fun family stuff we had planned for the rest of the week.  After the lights were out, I quickly fell asleep.

Ten Dr. Russ "Gum Bussters"

1.     Do pay attention to your child’s nonverbal behavior and actions.  They are a window to his/her inner world and sometimes he/she needs a little coaching to recognize how she/he is feeling.
2.    Neither let children deny a feeling, nor tell or pronounce to them what they are feeling.  Better to focus on a few non-verbal and action cues, as my mother did; gently describing her observations of me and gently coaching me towards recognizing them.
3.    Do let the child feel and vent their feelings: “feelings are feelings” and children like adults need to learn to “own” their feelings; not engage in denial or ignoring.
4.    When the child seems to have a feeling, but is not forthcoming, try to acknowledge and restate the feeling in your own words. 
5.    If the child denies the feeling, gently point out your observation by describing what you are seeing and then adding a possible explanation, “I think you might be feeling sad because . . ." For acceptance by the child, the description must come before the explanation.
6.    Once vented and expressed it is time to move to “cognitive” coping mechanisms; implanting that “positive internal dialogue self-talk” such as: a) reminding about the positive that just happened, b) noting other positives will happen in the future, c) focusing on upcoming positives, d) explaining that while a “good cry” feels good, the child is now ready to “get it together” and move on to something new, and not allowed to wallow in sadness.
7.    Be careful not to try make them feel better by giving them a reward to come out of the negative as this sets the child up to use negative emotions as tools to manipulate the parent.
8.    Do emphasize that the child has the power to make him/herself feel better after venting through positive self-talk.  You can even suggest things they can say to themselves.
9.    If the child persists in the negative emotion for more than twice the reasonable time, give them this choice:  Try to get yourself under emotional control in the next few minutes, but if you can’t you can go to your room and come out when you are under control.  Then, basically ignore the negative behavior.  When the child is under control go back to “Gum Busster” #6.
10.     Emphasize you and the family are always there for them, but also that they can learn to “scrape that gum off their own shoe.”