Moment-to-Moment Optimism

By Dr. Russ

With Valentine’s Day less than two weeks away, I thought it would be TIMELY to focus on POSITIVE INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS that form the foundation for an OPTIMISTIC RELATIONSHIP.

Optimistic relationships are created and maintained by a complex interplay of attitudes and behaviors about and toward the self and others; namely POSITIVE INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS.

In today’s post I identify and illustrate:

The Seven Positive Communication Skills of Highly Optimistic Couples

1.    Do use descriptive, specific and non-judgmental words and do avoid judgmental, global and loaded terms:
•    “did not complete a task” ~ VERSUS ~ “lazy, good for nothing”
•    “only bought items for yourself”~ VERSUS ~ “self-involved”
•    “verbalized complaints about having to visit mother-in-law” ~ VERSUS ~  “childish whiner”
•    “didn’t get out of your chair to help with the dishes” ~ VERSUS ~ “uncooperative”
•    “forgot our wedding anniversary” ~ VERSUS ~ “thoughtless”
•    “did not balance the checkbook” ~ VERSUS ~ “helpless”
2.    Do take personal responsibility by using an “I” message; avoid the blame and accusation of the “You always . . .” message. 
•    I-message: “I feel sad and alone when you come home late.” ~VERSUS ~
•    You-message:  “It is clear you don’t care about me when you come late.”
•    I-message: “When you spend so much time on the computer, I feel unattended too.” ~ VERSUS ~
•    You-message: “You love that computer more than you love me.”
3.    Focus on the present problem and avoid old history.
•    “I had hoped you were going to empty the dishwasher before I got home; what can I do to help you get that chore done?”~ VERSUS ~
•     “I am sick and tired of you leaving everything to me around here.  You never lift a finger to help with anything.  All you ever do is sit around and watch football.  Why, last Thanksgiving you didn’t lift a finger to help with anything. And I’ll never forget when you . . ." and so on and so on.
4.    Make positive or self-referent comparisons; avoid negative comparisons.
•    “I really appreciate how much effort you have gone to over the last week to tell me what you are appreciating about me.” ~ VERSUS ~
•     “You’re just like your father who never complimented your mother about anything.”
5.    Ask for help and collaboration and avoid threats.
•    “I could really use you’re help and support at my sister’s house this weekend.” ~ VERSUS ~
•    “If you don’t come with me to my sister’s place this weekend, you can forget about me joining you at your brother's for his birthday next month.”
6.    DESCRIBE feelings in low or normal volume rather than ATTACK with them in a loud, yelling and intimidating voice.
•    “I was quite annoyed to get home from my out of town trip and find no toilet paper in the house (normal voice).” ~ VERSUS ~
•    “YOU TICK ME OFF!!!  I can’t believe you didn’t notice we were out of toilet paper (loud, yelling voice).”
7.    Keep body language open and receptive instead of closed and “stand-offish.” 
•    Do make eye contact as opposed to looking down or away. 
•    Do keep your face relaxed as opposed to tightened jaw, frowning and squinting. 
•    Do keep your arms down at your side as opposed to crossed in an angry posture. 
•    Do nod and smile while listening as opposed to maintaining a deadpan look.